I have to try harder

I have to get better at things.  I have to try harder.

I need to pay more attention to my sweet husband.  I have to put more effort into our relationship.

I need to bring my kids to see their grandparents more.

I need to work out.  I have all this great equipment to work out with in the basement; a treadmill, a spin bike, weights.  Yet I just seem to pass it by everyday on the way to the laundry room.

I need to write more.  I have so many pieces that are half way done.  Just in need of edits, sitting in my hold file waiting for me to polish them up.

I need to listen to my kids better.  I need to put my phone down and not rush through my time with them.  I need to take the time to watch them and to listen to what they are saying and thinking.

I need to sit back comfortably on the couch more, and to really let myself relax.

I need to laugh more.  TO find more things funny like I used to and to laugh loud and with abandon.

But the question is always WHEN…when do I do all these things that sit on my soul and cause me guilt.

This week alone we have as a family:
1 benefit event
5 days of school
6 therapy sessions
1 dance class
1 art class
2 birthday parties
2 hockey practices
3 soccer practices
1 doctor appointment
1 soccer pizza party
3 soccer games
2 hockey games

Oh, and I have a job that I love and need to get done.  Just to add on to that never ending list. 

How do I balance what I feel I should be doing, with all of the responsibilities that are tipping the scales in the other direction???? 

I just don’t know how to get it all done.  And I know, no one has to point out to me, that I have done this to myself.  I have scheduled my kids for lots of sports and classes and therapies and parties, when I was in control and could have not.  But I want them to go and do and try things, and to have friends and be healthy and active.  And I feel guilty.  Having a child with a disability always throws off the scales for everyone else, so I strive to make all of them feel important and loved, and to make life equitable on their terms.  And most of the time, most days, I feel like I am doing a pretty darn good job of it.